


What's a wedding without embarrassing speeches?

by DrJackAndMissJo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bobby Singer Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Claire Novak's Parents, Charlie Bradbury Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Claire Novak Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Crack Treated Seriously, Crowley (Supernatural) Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Everybody Lives, Gabriel Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gen, Harvelle's Roadhouse (Supernatural), Jack Kline Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jack Kline and Claire Novak are Siblings, M/M, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Valentine's Day Wedding, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, best man speech, deancas wedding, homophobes do not interract, this is a john winchester hate account
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29396802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrJackAndMissJo/pseuds/DrJackAndMissJo
Summary: The wedding of the century! of the millennia! Took about that much time for those two to get their heads out of their asses, to be honest!Follow along the various things their guests had to say, starting with our very own Claire Novak, ready to embarrass her two dads.
Relationships: Background: - Relationship, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Crowley/Bobby Singer, Donna Hanscum/Jody Mills, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Kaia Nieves/Claire Novak
Comments: 28
Kudos: 71





	1. Claire Novak, best entity extraordinaire

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this sitting in my drafts for weeks, since the finale (What finale? I know nothing of a finale, the only finale I recognise is in the form of my own two fanfictions ['How it co(ul)da have been'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684002) and ['all I've ever known(...)'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27884668) INSERT THE SHAMELESS PLUG!)  
> Anyway, with the whole thing on Twitter, it made me want to finish this and so here we are!  
> ENJOY!

Hello everyone and welcome to the wedding of the century!

It’s the wedding of the century mainly because this sort of things doesn’t happen every Thursday, but mostly ‘cause these two idiots wasted about that much time pining. And we were all forced to watch the train wreck that were and still are- HEY DEAN! I’M SPEAKING, EYES TO ME! As I was saying, their eye game was too much to handle, I’m sure we can all agree with that. And don’t get me started on getting into the crossfire of their silent conversations, me and Sam over here have PTSD from that alone, forget about monsters and Apocalypses.

For those of you who know me, you also know that I have gained a certain sum of money from this shebang cause _someone,_ and I’m not naming names but Alex, bet against me that we would never see this day. Not that they wouldn’t happen, I mean, every single person with eyes ships them. But rather that prissy Castiel over there would have never gone through something like this and repressed Dean next to him was, as I said, repressed and also very idiotic and careless about surviving.

Good thing you’re in therapy pal.

And, to those who don't know me and have never had the pleasure of meeting me: Hi, I'm Claire Novak, the biological daughter of Cas' vessel. I’m not gonna explain anything about that, I’m just happy that my actual dad isn’t here in Castiel’s place, nor my mum for the matter, ‘cause that would have been _awkward_. Since, you know, you still look a little bit like him and all...

Anyway, I'm pretty sure there was someone else already lined up for this spot as the ‘ _best entity’_ of the Angel groom right here, like Meg or one of you nice angels who aren't as much of a bag of assholes, figure of speech, unlike some of the others that I personally crossed off the invitation list. Congratulations on having backbones, by the way. Does great for your postures.

Well, maybe some of you are asking themselves: how did she steal the spot from cosmic beings? Answer is: I am excellent at arm wrestling and beat every other contender without even blinking an eye, how about that?

Truth is, all I had to do was tell Cas I wanted to give this speech ‘cause I deserved, by birth right even, to embarrass him in front of his wedding guests and the place was mine. I did have to organise part of this, ‘cause one thing we know about Dean and Cas is that they don’t plan shit, but it was fine.

Sacrifices must be made, and all that jazz! 

Also, I needed to embarrass Dean by proxy, which was an added bonus. And trust me, old man, you wanna hide already, cause I read what Sam wrote for his ‘ _best entity_ ’ speech and it’s bad. For you, the rest of us are gonna be on the floor laughing at your expense!

You better get used to it!

Where was I? Oh, right, the serious part of the speech.

When Castiel took my father as a vessel, my world crumbled down, quite literally. We were a normal, nice, little family that lived in the suburbs. Nothing special, mom took care of me, dad was an accountant. A regular one, not ‘ _an accountant’_ , if you know you know.

NO, GABRIEL! DON’T YOU TELL ANYONE WHAT THAT MEANS, OR I SWEAR I’LL SEND YOU BACK INTO THE EMPTY!

Anyway, shit got real pretty fast after Cas appeared into our lives. My dad had burned his hand in boiling water as an act of faith in front of me, so I already thought he was pretty crazy, and then he left, all because of Castiel. And things went really downhill from there.

And, although now I know that none of it was Cas’ fault, for a big while I had never hated someone more than him, ‘cause he had taken away my family and my everything in one swift moment. I was a child and I didn’t even know what that word truly meant. The maximum knowledge of that feeling for me, back then, was when one of my classmates had broken my favourite pencil.

And then this Angel arrives and steals my dad and my mom goes crazy worried for an entire year, before going definitely crazy and leaving me alone. So, I think you all understand what I mean when I say I hated him.

Sometimes I still do, but for different reasons: like when he forces me to do the dishes. What the fuck is up with that, dude, haven’t you heard of a fucking dishwasher? It’s a novelty human invention, Imma introduce you two pretty soon.

Anyway, I’m not gonna stand here saying things like _: ‘it was for the best in the end because of this and that and blah blah blah.’_ ‘Cause one thing’s for certain and it’s that it wasn’t for the best. I got turned into a fucking werewolf, no offence Garth! So, you can see why that wasn’t _‘the best’_.

But I made do, cause now I can officially say that I’m a Mills-Winchester and that’s what we do! Ignore the trauma until it goes away, am I right, Dean?

Jody, I’m kidding. I’m just kidding. Seriously!

And I mean, I’m fine now. More than fine, actually. ‘Cause, out of that shitshow that lead to the first Apocalypse- which fucking sucked by the way, whoever organised it had absolutely no idea what they were doing. Anyway, alongside all of that, I found family thicker than blood.

I got Jody and Donna and Alex and Patience out of that mess, and they are all bad ass hunters whom I love so much!. And I got Kaia as well, although that’s more thanks to Jack and his inability to not create disasters everywhere he goes.

Speaking of Jack Kline, ladies and gentlemen and non-binary folks! He is the best God anyone could hope for, mainly because he was raised well by Cas and Dean and Sam. But he is the absolute worst little brother ever!

I mean, seriously, dude! Peanut butter and fucking tuna is not a good combination on any single level of creation and I do not care if you are the All-Mighty, you are so wrong. There’s a reason why Dean had to put a sign on the kitchen door that says: ‘ _NO ACCESS TO ANGELS AND NEPHILIMS!’_ And I am not saying it’s because of you only, but it kinda is.

Yet apparently neither you nor Castiel have learnt the lesson!

Nor did anyone of us, really, ‘cause we left them unsupervised in the first place, so it is on us as well, right Dean?

Additionally, I also got Sam and Eileen and I get to watch her kick his ass at literally everything on a weekly basis, which is awesome. And, I’m just gonna say it: best Aunt and Uncle ever!

No, Sam! Sign it in that order. I fucking know what I just said, so sign it in that fucking order. You know what? NO, I’ll do it, you’re useless. (Eileen, you’re my Uncle and I love you!)

And now, onto the pièce de résistance!

I have my favourite old man, right over here! And, for those of you wondering, yes, I'm being nice only ‘cause he just got hitched, I don’t know what you are talking about. This man is a nerd, of massive proportions! He’s so amazing, he sucks. See what I did there.

It’s fine, me and Dean can joke about it because we are massive butch queerpuffs.

And if you have a problem with that, first of all you wouldn’t even be here, you’d be keeping company to John Winchester who is currently getting tortured in Hell, thanks to our Magnificent Queen Rowena and her Lieutenant Crowley! Everybody say: _‘Thank you, Rowena and Crowley!”_ Talk about a mother-son duo. Anyway, if you do have a problem with that you can get the fuck out of here.

Heaven has a new ‘ _NO HOMOPHOBES’_ policy, so, bye-bye and hope you rot!

But, in all realness, Dean Winchester, you are the best father in the entire Universe. And I’m not just saying this ‘cause you’re my dad, but because you are genuinely the best person I know and I am so happy you wanted to adopt the runaway daughter of your husband’s vessel.

That should’ve made our relationship complicated somehow, but thank fuck it didn’t. ‘Cause you’re my old man and I hate you, but I also would take a Lego to the foot for you. Although you would never let me, you’re that good of a guy.

By the way, what was that he said? ‘ _Knowing you has changed me’_? Yeah, that, but less cringey.

Still, you're an idiot, of course, everybody knows that. But I like that you're my idiot dad.

And, fucking finally! I saved the best person in the room for last. If you guys haven’t teared up already, unlike _someone_ on the newlyweds table, get the tissues at hand, ‘cause I’m about to make it rain from your eyes!

We’re in Heaven, so I’m pretty sure it’s possible anyway!

Out of all the things I thought would happen, when my dad walked out on us, I didn’t think I would get someone like Castiel in my life.

Hell, I didn’t want Castiel in my life! I was so angry and scared and fucking traumatised. It’s a good thing that we have shifter and vampire and wraith shrinks, otherwise I’d be locked up in some asylum. Along with most of y’all!

But Dean told me that he and Sam did escape from a mental asylum once, so I don’t think they’d be that efficient. By the way, is there a place you two nutjobs haven’t escaped from? I still haven’t decided whether it’s idiotic or inspirational.

Jody, don’t worry, I know it’s idiotic. I do not have a bucket list of places to break in and out of, don’t worry!

Anyway, it took me a while to get over the anger and fear of Castiel. I mean, now you look at him and just know that he would not hurt a bee if it stung him! With his fucking cowboy boots, getting married to the… what was it? ‘ _Righteous Man’_? Yeah, that, thanks. What’s up with that, he is the least scary person in the world! He is a hugger _and_ a cuddler, for fuck’s sake!

Yes, Samuel, there is a difference! Not that you’d know, since you’re the little spoon.

But when I was 10, Castiel came into my life and turned it upside down, and not in the ‘ _Fresh Prince’_ style.

I guess it just makes sense, that he was the one who put it back in tracks. He got me to Jody’s and, well, the rest is history, really.

Cas, I don't know if I'll ever be able to call you ‘ _dad’,_ not the way I call Dean, ‘cause it's just plain weird. You look like _him_ , so much, yet every time I look at you, it’s _you_ I see. Not the ghost of the father past, at least not anymore.

Because, Jimmy Novak didn’t smile, not like that. It didn’t reach his eyes and he didn’t have the same warmth that you do. His entire body didn’t shake with laughter half an hour after he was told a joke, just ‘cause _‘I just got it!’_

I know that was a bad impression, but my voice can’t go that low. You want a good impression? Ask Dean. Best impressionist, but cannot do accents to save his life. The duality of a man.

The other thing about Jimmy, he didn't bandage my bruises and injuries while telling me stories of archaic civilizations that he witnessed first had, only to distract me from the pain. And he could’ve, I used to skin my knees almost everyday when I was younger. He just… wasn’t there, not like that.

He didn't set the kitchen on fire with Jack trying to bake me a birthday cake, which was inedible, but still wonderful and touching.

And don’t even try to claim it was an accident. _Accidents don’t just happen accidentally_! I said what I said, ask your husband to explain.

Cas, Castiel, Angel of the Lord, angel of Thursday, member of the original Team Free Will, badass and bee enthusiast. What I'm trying to say here is: I love you. I love our family, that we have created together and that we found all on our own. It’s not that small, and it is definitely broken. But it’s so good!

And I will admit that I haven’t been this happy in a while. Not like today anyway, standing next to you on that altar, as you and Dean fucking Winchester got married!

Seriously, I can’t understand which one of you hit the higher jackpot. On one hand you have arguably the best hunter in the world and on the other you have the best angel in creation. I’d say the scale’s pretty equal, I guess. ‘Cause you both are compassionate and caring and loving and a dozen of other sweet adjectives that I will not say, especially for Dean, ‘cause his ego is already big enough!

And I’m happy, so fucking happy, for you two and for our family. You two deserve this.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen and my lovely enbys! Before I pass the microphone to Sam, I wanna thank Ash and Ellen for their idea of holding the wedding and the reception here at Harvelle’s. I’m gonna personally make sure Jack over here helps us with the clean up!

Now, I present you: Samuel Winchester! Who’s gonna tell us all about that time, not long ago, when Dean accidentally lit himself on fire setting up Christmas decorations.

Seriously, what's with this family and fire? It truly goes beyond a kink at this point!


	2. Sam Winchester, who has seen some shit

Thank you, Claire, for the amazing presentation! You nailed it, by the way, there wasn’t a single dry eye on sight. And that’s a lot, considering we have demons here.

Hello to all, again. As you all know I am Sam Fucking Winchester, brother of one of the grooms, best friend to the other- no, you’re his husband, I’m his… Meg? No, _I’m_ Castiel’s best friend… Garth, I love you, man, but fuck off! Where was I? Whatever, _one_ of Castiel’s best friends. Happy now? I was also the true vessel of the Devil, who quite thankfully will remain in the Empty forever and will not bother me anymore. And I stopped several Apocalypses and World Ends, not to brag.

Dean, no. I know it’s your wedding, but it’s my speech and this room is already full of your massive ego, you gotta learn how to share the spotlight, man! Seriously! Do you even know how long I’ve had this thing prepared? Why do you think it took us so little to organise the wedding? I, Charlie, Garth and Kevin had had plans for a long time for this day.

You are not going to rush me.

I’m gonna savour this, ‘cause I’ve had over ten years of witnessing the absolute train wreck that was your mutual pining.

I’d take torture in Hell any day over those heated stares. Especially now that Rowena’s in charge and I know that nothing really bad would happen to me down there.

The thing is: I still have nightmares and I’m so glad I moved out of the bunker straight after Cas got back, ‘cause my brain already needs bleach from all I had to endure in the past decade, nay in my entire life. I don’t wanna risk having to claw my eyes out myself ‘cause someone forgot to put a sock on the handle.

It did happen once, not with Cas, and I gotta say, I am still scarred. There are things I never wanted to see and I’m gonna be the first one to try those memory erasers that scientist have been trying to make. I need to forget.

Really, if any of you have stood in between my brother and my now brother in law's powerful eye-fucking sessions, you are entitled to financial compensation from both grooms. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about, and Charlie probably has already estimated how much money they owe us. And I also know ‘cause I was prelaw, before Dad decided to kindly fuck off and led us into a goose chase that ended in shit.

Dean’s words, not mine.

I’d say something way worse about the bastard, but he doesn’t deserve my attention. And I'm not here, today, in front of y’all, during my brother’s wedding, to talk about that poor excuse of a human being who's currently being used as Juliette's lunch.

For those who don't know, Juliette is Crowley’s hellhound, an absolute sweetheart when she's not trying to kill you.

As I was saying, I've wasted years of my life, that I'll never get back, because of these two assholes. Pretty sure they shaved personally down my lifespan with everything I had to endure. From silent treatments, second-hand embarrassment, bickering, full-blown marital fights, passive-aggressive attitudes. Pet names, even when they weren’t together. The number of times I’ve heard Dean call Cas ‘ _Sunshine’_ was unbelievable. You name it, I’ve witnessed it.

I would have dragged you both to marriage counselling myself, if I could’ve. But there was always a big, enormous threat looming over the world that apparently only Team Free Will could deal with, so I had to postpone.

But then, Cas wouldn’t always reply to Dean’s taunting, or they’d fight big time, or they wouldn’t act like the old married couple they have always been, and it drove me crazy! I was starting to wonder whether they were actually that dumb or secretly together hiding, or whether I was imagining it all.

If it wasn’t for the support system Jody and I had with each other to help us through their mutual pining, and for her telling me that no, I was not crazy, it was real and in broad daylight for anybody to see, but them apparently, I would’ve definitely locked myself up in a psych ward. Again.

Forget Chuck and the End of the world and Lucifer. None of those guys gave me grey hair and wrinkles. These two, peacefully seated at their table, casually holding hands right now, these two are the reason for my stress.

And I think that the worst part was, that I couldn’t even comment on it! I had to tread lightly, to make assumptions in front of them, to try the ground before I planted the seed of doubt, that I knew what was happening with them. That I knew _something_ was happening. Crumbs, I would have been fine with crumbs of vindication, but no!

Because neither of them realised that the other had feelings. And who do y’all think took the brunt of the hit? Me! I had to be the messenger when Cas wasn’t speaking to Dean. And he fucking blocked my number, ‘cause he didn’t want to talk with me anymore!

So, when I say: ‘ _financial compensation’,_ I mean it! You fuckers owe me! ‘Cause I could’ve locked you up in a room, tossing away the key and leaving you for dead. But I didn’t. And that took strength and patience.

Some of you might be wondering: ‘Sam, why didn’t you say anything outright?’

The answer is simple: my asshole dumbass brother was closeted. And I didn’t have that many suspicions.

I mean, I always thought he was kinda butch and overcompensating, but that came with the territory, really, growing up the way we did. As I said before, Dad was a piece of shit and Dean raised me, he was brother and mother and father, all in one, since the age of 4.

He is my brother, so I already didn’t want to prod or stuff my nose into questions about sexuality with him. He was the one to give me ‘ _the_ _talk’_ , which is another thing I still have nightmares about. Add that to the equation, it was a giant can of worms with the word ‘ _NOPE’_ written in all caps on the label. And I wasn’t going to open it anytime soon.

Which was kinda bullshit, since he knew he could’ve come out anytime to me. I was the president of the PFLAG at Stanford, which he knew and teased me about all the time! At the very least, he could’ve dropped some hints, and that would’ve been on me for not realising what he wanted to admit. But he didn’t!

What…? Don’t fucking deny it, Dean, you never once told me or made me think you were bi. I thought you were homophobic for the longest time, you jerk!

We _all_ wear flannels, they are staples in our wardrobes! Are you trying to say that all hunters are queer? ‘Cause I know I’m not. By the way, if any LGBTQ+ hunters don’t want me to wear flannels, just tell me, I’ll stop, I understand. What? No, Claire, I am straight. That’s not up for debate, I think I’d know. Gabriel, shut up!

By the way, Dean, I knew you were a womaniser, so I thought that was why you managed to flirt with that guy for Charlie. Plus, you always flirt with servers and waiters to get a discount, no matter the gender. You’re cheap man, really cheap, and somehow you wear it like a badge of honour.

Alright, I’ll humour you, what about the Cartwright twins? Yeah, what about them? I don’t want to know the details of any of that, ever. So, I just assumed that you... you know. Did twins? It wasn’t the craziest thing I had ever heard from you, against my will I have to add. So if anything, it was kinda anticlimactic? And you did come back kinda buzzed from your solo trip to Newfoundland and Labrador for that… Rugaru, was it? Right? I just thought it was a good hunt and, again, I don’t want to know details.

…Balthazar, for the love of everything that is good and holy in this fucked up Universe that Amara rebuilt from scratch from Chuck’s destruction. What the actual fuck do you mean the Cartwright Twins, minor league Canadian Baseball team.

You know what, no. NO! I don’t wanna know. I only wanted to tell some embarrassing and sweet things to you and Cas, ‘cause you two finally got your heads out of your asses and it’s a very nice day, yet you managed to make me regret even getting up this morning!

Dean. Dean! I swear I will murder you with my bare hand, don’t you dare utter a word.

I was already scarred for life, can you please stop adding fuel to this fire? I’d appreciate it.

Fuck. Fine, this speech is shorter than intended but it’s over, if anyone has anything to say to the newlyweds, mic’s here!

Congrats or whatever, you are gonna pay for my therapy.

Donna, please, pour me a drink. Be generous with the alcohol, I need to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up, a certain former king of Hell who had a little bit too much alcohol and turned nostalgic!


	3. Crowley, former King of Hell and Hot Girl Summer Rebound

Is anybody going to take this microphone and give an impromptu speech? No? You buffoons, I have not been to many weddings… Or, at least I have not been _invited_ to many. I did crash a few to collect a contract or to execute one. It’s astonishing, the number of people willing to bargaining for something while jealous and drunk.

Once, there was this bridesmaid who bargained her soul to make sure the groom became bald and fat after cheating on her, during their secret relationship, with the bride and then marrying said dirty bride, who was also her sister, and then she hooked up in a storage closet with said groom at his very own wedding!

Humans are so amusing.

Anyhow, from what I gathered, speeches are an important part, especially when both spouses are this enticing to mock and mortify!

Fine, I shall do what I must! I feel as if this was the purpose I was born for.

Or, at least, brought back from the Empty to accomplish!

Don’t worry, Bobby Dearest, this is going to be extremely quick due to the fact that the lovely Darkness Amara, the exquisite Benjamin Lafitte and yours truly were entertaining themselves in a game of “ _Never have I Ever: Dean Winchester edition._ ”

And once this charade of a ritual is complete, I shall come back to you!

By the way, this thing is a sham due to the instance that one of you is not human and thus does not abide by human laws, and the other is legally dead everywhere, a known criminal, and someone who does not respects rules nor authority. But, since when does a thing done à la Winchesters make sense? Three-quarters of their plans were half-assed and every time they ‘ _saved the world’_ , they created a bigger threat.

The only reason that might have made sense, would be if your lives were being broadcasted on a television series! What are you two? Dragon Ball or Naruto? Which, in actuality, now that I think of it, is very close to the reality of the events: Chuck was, after all, busy writing your entire lives for his own amusement and entertainment. I am merely glad you lot got to **write your own ending**.

I propose a toast: to Fanfiction and Ao3!

Don’t be so dense, Moose, I know you have an account! How do I know? Really? ‘Cause I’m Crowley, that’s how!

Fine, you left your computer on and I snooped it. First Person POV with Y/N? I expected better from you.

Now, back to the topic. I promised that this was going to be quick and I shall deliver. Besides, I do have a game I am on the way to win!

To be quite frank, Amara, you have a slight disadvantage. Both Benny and I know Dean more deeply than you do. Perhaps we should tweak the categories in order for us to be on a more balanced level.

All of you, get your heads out of the gutter! No question was lewd and/or scandalous!

At least not yet. We were off to a racy topic indeed.

Anyway. When I did receive the invitation to this event, I was flabbergasted. For you simpletons, it means that I was shocked. The mere thought of Cassie wanting me at his wedding surprised me, to say the least.

For rather obvious reasons, which I’m going to attempt listing: I manipulated him and the Winchesters; I betrayed him and the Winchesters; I tried to kill him and the Winchesters; on various occasions I stabbed him and the Winchesters, both metaphorically and literally; I encouraged Dean to get the Mark of Cain and to become a Knight of Hell, and then we proceeded to have a _‘Hot Girl Summer’_ , as the kids call it; I also ate a sandwich that Cassie had painstakingly and meticulously prepared for himself after he returned to his Grace.

And, to be honest, it was rather dry and bland.

But, most importantly, I did unspeakable things with the man, Dean Winchester himself, during the short time he was a demon. Triplets all over the States mourn your monogamy, my friend. As do a few of us.

Don’t you agree that is it funny, how Benny and I knew your now husband _biblically_ way long before you, Cassie? Liking our leftovers, one might wonder.

I… I was joking! There is no need for the glowing eyes! Dean. Dean, please, hold your husband back. Please. Mine is only mindless teasing.

By the way, after this reception is over I will move to an unfindable and unreachable location for my own safety, because one thing must be said about Dean Winchester and that is that he is a marvellously capable hunter who will definitely cut my head out to hang it over his fireplace once he sees my wedding gift.

Still. I regret nothing! You’ll see.

Anyway, I apologise for getting side-tracked. Back to the main storyline: accompanied to the invite, there was a note! Things do get interesting, hold to your pants. On that note, it read that under no circumstance I would be to interact with a certain vampire, for rather obvious reasons.

Naturally, we decided to show up together, after colour coordinating our wardrobe choices.

Who says you can’t outshine the spouses on their wedding day, right?

Now, even though I know Benny’s side, I am only going to speak for myself when I say that it’s a tragedy that you took so long to figure out your disgusting feelings for each other. And I’m not saying this because I am a demon and thus emotionless, but due to the fact that I am a majestic being with two functioning eyes that had to witness the absolute disaster that was your pining.

Moose is right, they should pay us in damage.

And, Dean, while our detour was fun while it lasted, I am glad you found your way back to your angel. It was kind of depressing knowing that even with the Mark doing its course, you still wanted only him. Don’t you agree?

There! I managed to make the Dean Winchester agree _and_ blush at something embarrassing I said! Amara pay up, I know my Squirrel!

Stop throwing silverware at me, you two heathens! Fine, that was my queue to leave. Anyone wants to talk?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way, Crowley gifted them something antique and expensive 'cause he's fancy like that. He also gave them a photo album full of explicit photos of him and Dean during the Hot Girl Summer.  
> Dean is still hunting him through Purgatory (The place he had escaped to) but he's gonna give up soon once he sees some pretty flowers and decides to bring them back to Castiel. Crowley eventually got back to Hell 'cause he couldn't allow his mom to embarrass him in front of Bobby, who went down with his rifle to shoot at homophobes.  
> NExt up: Dean Winchester's actual father, Bobby Singer!


	4. Bobby Singer, who's damn proud of his son and son in law

Crowley, I highly suggest you get the hell out of here, for your own safety. I know for a matter of fact that Dean’s got the Colt right under his chair and I think you ain’t ready to see that girl again.

Not to mention that I have several weapons nearby, as does every single person in this room, and I ain’t afraid to shoot you. Again.

No, I am not flirting with you! Shut your damned mouth, you vile creature, I won’t hesitate to exorcise you!

That’s enough! Jack, son, pass me the holy water. I knew we should’ve had Devil’s Traps laying around.

Stop acting like a jackass, you moron! This was a refined wedding, before you opened your mouth. Rowena, please leash him and teach him some education. Or I will.

Damn, that shut you up alright. Good to know.

Now, I don’t have something prepared, unlike Sam and Claire did, but seeing what happened to your brother, maybe it’s for the best. So, buckle up, son, you and Castiel are gonna hear some sweet things.

I was there, after all, the night you two met after he raised your ass from Hell. I wanted to scream at you to stop flirting with him.

See, Crowley? What they did and still do? That’s flirting. Me and you, it ain’t it. So shut the fuck up.

Anyway, I’ve basically raised these two idjits and I tried to give them some normalcy and stability, and with how careless John was, it was a miracle they turned out right. Although, I can’t take full credit, nor anybody else can: it was all Dean. I’m just happy I could help them whenever I could and I’m damn proud of how my boys turned out.

And I think that I’ll never stop telling Dean just how proud I am of him specifically or just how amazing he is, not just ‘cause everything he did in spite of all the bullshit his father pulled, but ‘cause it’s actually true, but it hasn’t passed through his thick skull yet and you need the reminder from time to time.

Pretty sure your shifter shrink agrees with me.

But, don’t sweat it, son. I know for a fact that that Angel of yours will remind you even more. Hell, he’ll probably be way more effective than me. After all, one of the first things he told you was that you deserved to be saved. Maybe one day you’ll believe it too.

In the meantime, I think we can all agree that we haven’t heard as many embarrassing stories as we liked about these two. Sam’s plan was good, but he got side-tracked. And I think, as Dean’s actual father, and whoever disagrees can see the end of my shotgun after this, I think that I’m very qualified for this job.

I ain’t gonna lie, the first time I met Castiel, I thought he was kind of a dick. He showed up out the blue kinda later than Dean and I expected, after we tried to summon him like a demon of sorts. And he wasn’t alone, the idjit brought down a thunderstorm or a marching band from Hell at least, since the sound was obnoxious and plain loud. The wind was also going crazy, the roof almost got out of there as if we were going to Oz. He also made the lights of the barn flicker like some common ghost, which activated our fight or flight, and then made all the lightbulbs explode in a shower of sparks.

And then, that motherfucker just walked right in, breaking the door up of course. Super casually, with his funky accountant trench coat and his tie all wobbly. Me and Dean blew our barrels out at him, but he just kept on walking, without a single care in the Universe.

Talk about a dramatic entrance, am I right?

And Dean wasted no time into knifing him down in the chest, after a small talk, of course. By the way, his expression when he realised Castiel hadn’t even flinched was priceless, I wish I had brought a camera. Now, the only place I can savour it, is in my mind!

From then on, Castiel could do no wrong to my eyes. He did knock me out just ‘cause he and Dean “ _had to talk in private”,_ and I do gotta take points off from that. Son, I had to witness your bickering for years afterwards, a warning would’ve been nice. If I’d known what I was getting into, probably would’ve locked you two up in the barn and tossed away the key until you managed to get your heads out of your rears.

The little glimpse of what about to come I saw that night? It should’ve been enough, actually. Who in the hell introduces himself as _“the one who gripped you tight and raised from perdition”_? Drama queens, that’s who.

But he managed to redeem himself pretty soon afterwards and there was no hard feelings nor bad blood.

And it was so fun, seeing Dean flustered and stumbling around the angel ‘cause he didn’t know how to behave with his crush.

Now look at him! With tiny little murder in his eyes! I used to cut the crust out of your sandwiches and to make you soup whenever you felt sick, I’m allowed to call you out on your bullshit.

I know I wasn’t always there ‘cause you poor excuse for a father dragged you and Sam along his stupid vengeful plans that always ended badly, but I’m so damn proud of calling you my son. You and Sam are my family and family sure as Hell and Heaven doesn’t start in blood. You make your own family, you choose your own people. You spend time with them, care for them, love them.

You make each other stronger.

And I can say with certainty, that that’s what you and Castiel have been doing since day one. I’m just so happy for you, ‘cause you deserve it. Not ‘cause you saved the world couple of times and whatnot.

Dean, you deserve to be happy because you’re a good person. More than good. And it’s a damn shame that you can’t see it for yourself, but luckily for you, family’s here to remind you of that.

And Cas, I am so proud of you too. You went from being a stoic emotionless bastard to the most caring and loving being in the entire Universe. I’m so happy I can finally call you family legally and officially, even though Crowley was right, there ain’t anything legal in this.

Damn, those are words I never thought I’d say. _“Crowley was right”._ Makes my skin crawl.

Anyway. Sorry, one of the sparks from Cas’ first entrance just got in my eye.

Jack, kid, wanna come up here and say something? After all, Claire did for your dads, so it’s your turn. C’mon, get up here!

By the way, Dean and Cas, you did well with your kids. More than good. Great. Wonderful.

And I am counting Sam in, ‘cause you raised him and he should show you some respect!


	5. Jack Kline, four year old son of the grooms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jack is a hyperactive child, deal with it.

Hello, I’m Jack!

I am aware that you all knew me, or of me at the very least, but Sam always tells me that it’s polite to introduce myself in situations when I have to speak up or give a speech. Like, the other day, in class, I had to give a presentation on my history project about Washington and everyone before me started with one-liners, that’s what Pops calls them, but I had nothing prepared other than what I had studied and the entire soundtrack of Hamilton, so I just introduced myself, again!

I thought it was the best next thing, instead of quoting all of the ‘ _Right Hand Man’_. Besides, my classmates found that particularly amusing!

But, I have not prepared anything for this. I was under the impression that only Claire and Sam were going to talk… What should I say, Bobby? Garth? _‘Speak from the heart’_. Alright!

Well, the heart is both an organ and a muscle, since it is made of striated musculature that, unlike the other striated muscle, contracts without having the interaction with bone tissue. It’s thanks to its contractions that it manages to push the blood through the arteries and veins, to make sure it arrives in the little circulation with the lungs, getting oxygenated blood to go back into the heart and to then go the periphery of the body, and to ensure it works. The heart is divided into four chambers…

What? Oh? _Oh_. It was a figure of speech.

Sorry about that!

Okay. Speak from the heart. I can try.

Dean and Cas are my fathers. Along with Sam, of course. But I don’t call him Dad, I just call him Sam. But Dean and Cas, I do call them Pops and Dad.

I had to have two names ‘cause the confusion was too much! I asked once for Dad to take me driving, before I actually got my license, and Castiel listened and we took his car. And I prefer to drive with Dean ‘cause he knows how to teach me. Also, the Impala is way nicer.

Sorry Dad!

The first time I called Dean Dad, he choked on his coffee! It was the second cup of the day, and he wasn’t that awake yet, but he wasn’t murderous. Second cup is usually where you can start to ask little things, like ‘ _How was your sleep_?’ or ‘ _Can you drive me to school ‘cause I missed the bus_?’. And he will not be very articulated around the second cup, words usually come during breakfast or _after_ the second cup, but he will make himself understood. And I’ve lived with them for a while, I can understand easily now what he means in the morning.

But I did not understand what choking on the coffee meant the first time I called him Dad. I just asked him to pass me the cereals! And there he was, almost dying on me. Again!

Claire then explained that I might have surprised him and that was why. And it was true, he did not expect that. But after we talked about it, he said that he wouldn’t mind. And so, I started calling him Dad, which now is Pops ‘cause he is the one in charge of the popcorn on movie nights and it’s nice to see him smile at the name.

Hi Pops!

Yes, I have eaten the pie, and you were right. Cheddar Cheese would’ve been a bad flavour idea with the fruit on the pie. It would have not been like a cheesecake. But I still want a cheesecake. Can me and the girls go and get one after this? Alright then, tomorrow. Wait, you two won’t be here tomorrow ‘cause you’re going to the moon of honey! Can Claire drive us? And can we take the Impala?

Oh, alright, sorry! I got side-tracked.

Anyway, I started calling Cas Dad sooner than I did Dean. I don’t know why, probably ‘cause he was always there and I knew he was my father even before I was born. But, when I called him Dad for the first time, things got a little bit different.

All the lights in the bunker started to flicker and I thought it was a ghost. But then Dad was hugging me and he was not worried, so I knew it was not a ghost. Also I knew because Sam and Pops checked the entire bunker multiple times when they first moved in and I didn’t feel another supernatural presence around, so it was not a ghost.

Although, they did miss Miss Butters. Maybe we should check again, just to be sure?

Well, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say, everyone else did something meaningful. Except for Crowley, apparently. But I didn’t listen to his speech ‘cause Alex was covering my ears, so I just supposed that he wasn’t saying nice stuff.

And I don’t know what else to tell you two, ‘cause I’ve told you everything! I always tell you everything! And I know that Pops’ working on emotions and ‘ _stuff’_ , like he calls it, so I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable.

Oh, by the way, Pops, I’ve already told Dad but there was a bee that flew around me during the ceremony while Rowena was marrying you two and she landed on my nose! No, she did not sting me, she was very nice, in fact!

Okay, so. I love you both equally. I’m super happy that you two got married, although I already thought you two were married ‘cause you are the dictionary description of a married couple. I loved being the ring bearer and I’m glad we didn’t end up like in _‘Tangled Ever After: The Rings’._

And, I’m gonna go eat some more cake now… Charlie, here’s the mic.

BYE!


	6. Charlie Bradbury, who called it since the first time Dean mentioned Cas

What’s up, bitches? Are you guys having fun?

It’s kinda rude that Sam didn’t ask any of you during his speech how did you find the ceremony and the food and the decorations, especially since we made sure every single little detail of this was perfect. I wasted an entire day arguing with the princess to let me have lightsabers fights, but he put his gigantic foot down.

I did threaten to cut his kneecaps, but Kevin was all like: _“Please, don’t fight, we can’t have a Star Wars themed wedding, it wouldn’t be fair!”_

I know you would’ve loved it, man. And Cas too, ‘cause he’s secretly Leia. And I would’ve had a blast, I already had my outfit planned out. I was gonna show up in a jetpack and full Mandalorian armour with the darksaber, ‘cause why not! It’s Kevin Solo and Chewbacca’s fault. Honestly, pal, it’s kinda time you shave it. Either you Viking Style braid it or you get a Mohawk, whatever Eileen’s wants.

I’m not here to complain about the wedding that could’ve been, and would’ve been awesome, if I got free reins. But, at least I threw on my own the bachelor’s party and that was lit. On fire. And we did need firefighters afterwards, otherwise the building would’ve burnt down. And I know what you might think: "Were the firefighters planned?"

No, unfortunately, Dean said no strippers, but they were a nice addition to the party nevertheless!

What? Nothing illegal happened, Bobby! It’s just like Claire said, there is something about that family and fire, I think it runs in their DNA. I mean, in Sam’s case, more like in his blood…

HEY! There is no need to throw shit at me, Bigfoot! I’m just saying things as they are, and things are that you plus matches equals bad decisions. You’re one bonfire away from becoming an arsonist and then we’d have to sing you the lullaby.

Which, by the way, I did put my foot down for Hozier. Who do you think got the idea to play ‘ _Like Real People Do’_? Your brother? Or even worse, Jo? I love you, babe, but your music taste is kinda like Dean’s official one, which is not his real thing. I had to step up and queer up the game or you would’ve been forced to listen to Maroon 5’s greatest hits.

Good thing Taylor came up with ‘ _Lover’_ , am I right? Man, Joe is great for her, not only they’re happy but they write _break-up_ songs together. Talk about couple goals!

What? Oh, yeah, right Cas, you two are also couple goals. Although, I don’t know how much goals you are since, you know, you stabbed, betrayed and generally were not that nice with each other for a while. But you two are the greatest love story ever told and it’s not your fault that your original writer sucked and was homophobic! Or biphobic, in Dean’s case.

I mean, seriously! I got killed off! That wasn’t very LGBTQ+ friendly, if anything it was a big giant Bury Your Gays. And also misogyny to further along the man pain and plotline.

Jo, babe, we’re going to Earth to kick Chuck’s ass one more time after this. Do we know where he is now? At the corner between _Kripke_ and _Dabb_ on _Bucklemming_ street? Good to know, I’ll bring my shotgun.

Okay, but in realness, this was so fun. And yeah, maybe a full-on nerd wedding wouldn’t have been the best of plans, especially since the cottage core meets rustic vibes that we have here are immaculate. I feel so much love in this Harvelle’s tonight.

Nobody except Dean and Kevin got that reference. Really, babe, even you? I made you watch the Office! Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. You guys need to expand your horizons, ‘cause that was pathetic. 

Well. Okay. Oh, man. I still can’t believe it. Dean got hitched to Cas! I never thought I’d see that day.

Technically I didn’t, ‘cause I was dead and in my place there was AU Charlie, which sounds straight out of fanfiction!

And I thought, wow, it’ll be like an evil twin situation. But it wasn’t, ‘cause she’s amazing and with long hair and dating Stevie, and I’m amazing with short hair and dating Jo. Totally not confusing at all! I mean, it’s not like we showed up at this wedding wearing the exact same suit, right?

I wish I could say it was planned, ‘cause that would’ve been awesome, but it wasn’t. We’re just that in sync! It’s like we’re the same person with slightly different backgrounds!

Anyhow, I still remember vividly the first time Dean talked about Cas to me. It’s funny ‘cause he described him as a dorky little dude and Cas is neither of those things. He’s so buff, it’s unbelievable! And he’s just, like, an inch shorter than you, man, so where did you find the little? ‘Cause I know it’s not there, you would’ve shared the disappointment otherwise.

But, Dean had this fond smitten smile when he talked about Cas, which I had only seen for the Impala before. Not even Sammy got that treatment!

And I knew, there and then, that they’d end up together. And my gaydar is impeccable, so, Samuel, you should take notes.

Why? ‘Cause your brother cuffs his jeans under his Doc Martens, you can’t go bi-er than that!

Anyway, I know that a lot of the people that talked here before me were all like: _‘You two were unsufferable and a pining mess and blah blah blah’_. Don’t get me wrong, you were, it was a chainsaw accident with a train wreck attached to it. But it also wasn’t, ‘cause there were so many layers to your stories and, yeah, it’s really fun to taunt you, but it’s also nice that you two got through all that bullshit together.

And Dean, I know what you think. I’ve known how your fucked up brain works for a while. I’m so happy that I can say with certainty that I think those voices got real quiet today. It’s not easy, still, today, in the year of our Lord and Saviour Amara 2021, to be like us. And you had to deal with all that crap growing up, which is awful. But you managed to be happy in spite of them all and I love you.

I really do, you’re the older brother I never wanted but got stuck with. And I’m so fucking happy for you, ‘cause you and Cas are the best people in the entire world and you deserve all the happiness you can get.

And Cas, my best dude, I’m just gonna thank you ‘cause you’re the best and you made me feel safe and loved and accepted. And that doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is.

Oh, shit, my mascara’s not waterproof! I made do without smudging it throughout the entire thing, it would be a shame to mess it up now!

Alright, let’s have another round of words, who wants to go? Gabs? Alright, here you go.

Peace out, bitches!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up is everyone's favourite trickster with a very specific rendition of a specific song that gives a certain Samuel nightmares...


	7. The Archangel Gabriel, who can't legally say no to an open mic

Alright, people! I’m about to rock your worlds!

You all know me as the beloved Archangel Gabriel, or the beloved Trickster, or maybe as a fiery lover. What? No, I was clearly winking at Rowena. Although, Ketch, three’s my lucky number. Just saying.

Okie dokie! I had not prepared a speech, ‘cause, why would have I needed to? I thought you guys had it covered. Which you didn’t. Really, Samantha? Boo-hoo, you got spooked by your brother’s scandalous past? Grow up! I made you watch him die over a hundred times and that didn’t shock you? Ya boring.

But you had to rush to the alcohol. And here I thought Dean was the alcoholic! Just kidding, we went to the same AA meetings. Talk about Daddy Issues, am I right?

Anyway, during Bobby’s speech I got an idea and being an amazing, brilliant, wonderful archangel I just had to put my brain into it.

Hold on to your horses, I’m about to blow your tiny human and non-human brains out of the bar over there!

So, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between: here is my own rendition of the legendary hit ‘ _Heat of the Moment’_ by Asia. The spin? It’s Dean and Cas, or as the kids call it, Destiel, edition! All of this is for the special joy of our very own best man, Sam Winchester.

Who got the spot only because he’s Dean’s dummy brother, which isn’t really fair. Charlie did throw an amazing party that ended up with very illegal activities that we all enjoyed!

Okay, there were no illegal activities, but it’s fun to think there were!

Anyway, here are the lyrics, by yours truly. Enjoy. Ash, hit it!

_He never meant to be so bad to you, but he’s a Winchester and that’s all he knows how to do,_

_One thing he said that he would never do,_

_But a look from him and you fell down from Grace, with all your siblings too!_

_And that did wipe the smile right from all of our faces._

_Do you remember when you two used to fight, in the Apocalypse and against Heaven and Hell afterwards and against each other sometimes?_

_And incidents arose from the circumstance of your love for humanity._

_One thing led to another when you were dead, multiple times actually,_

_And you would scream together Enochian spells to get out of traps you had fallen into ‘cause you two were stupid and still are!_

_It was the heat of the Destiel moment,_

_Telling you idiots what our eyes have seen since day one but you were too dumb to understand._

_The heat of the Destiel moment showed in your longing stares and holy shit that was rough to watch!_

_And now you find yourself in 2009,_

_That dusty old barn full of warding seals hold no charm to you ‘cause you are still an Angel with the Grace intact._

_You can concern yourself with bigger plans to get Heaven back in its tracks,_

_You catch feelings and end up losing your wings._

_'Cause it's the heat of the Destiel moment!_

_The heat of the Dean’s hot abs!_

_The heat of the constant staring that made everyone uncomfortable as if you two just went to town right there!_

_The heat of the Destiel moment showed in your lack of personal space that he definitely didn’t mind although he claimed to!_

_And when your Grace was gone and you were a human all alone, ‘cause he had kicked you out for Gadreel,_

_How many nights did you sit beside the phone, waiting for him to call and take you home ‘cause you were powerless and with everyone hating you for the fall?_

_What were the things you wanted for yourself?_

_Fledgeling ambitions you don’t remember well, ‘cause Naomi rebooted your brain like a thousand times!_

_It was the heat of the Destiel moment,_

_With the bullshit about the Profound Bond you two share,_

_The heat of the Destiel moment showed in your inability to hurt each other when under brainwashing or the Mark of Cain!_

_It was the heat of the Destiel moment,_

_And quite thankfully you two pulled your heads out of your respective asses and started boning ‘cause it was about damn time!_

_The heat of the Destiel moment, finally over now that you two are married and no longer pining messes!_

_Heat of the Destiel moment,_

_Heat of the Destiel moment..._

Thank you, thank you, there is no need for a standing ovation, although I deserve it!

I don’t think I have any more things to say other than ‘ _Congratulations_!’ and ‘ _Let’s go get laid!_ ’, right? Night’s not young anymore, we’re all pretty hammered and in the middle of my song, the brides left. I think it’s time to get the Heavens out of here and….

Alright, I’ve got nothing. Goodbye! And clean after yourselves, I know most of you are humans but that’s not an excuse to be assholes.

By the way: Ketch and Rowena, are we doing this or what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished! Hope you liked this!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please, don't forget to leave a kudo and a comment  
> Let me know if you want more from this!  
> come and scream about ships with me on Tumblr! @drjackandmissjo  
> till next time,  
> Jo


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